My name is Tajá (pronounced similarly to Tarsha.) We all have quarkey ways about us, and mine is not limited to my name!
Poor mental health has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. Only recently did it reach its peak, and only recently am I in recovery. Poor mental health can make you physically unwell, trust me I have first hand felt the impact of daily headaches, heart palpitations, tingles and tremors, insomnia, aches and pains… the list continues. My poor mental health developed out of perfectionism, change and simply genetics.
Over the years I suffered with severe anxiety, which lead to a panic disorder, eating disorder and manifested into depression. I wish it was as simple to say that anxiety and such mental disorders are something we grow out of – to some extent they can be – but it is only the hard graft from ourself that set us free from the daily struggles of our own minds.
Asking for help is scary, as it feels as though your mental health has defeated you. Society perceives reaching out and asking for help to be weak and that we can’t do what it is we want unaided. But asking for help is courageous, brave and the first step to seeking the life we want, the life we all deserve!
When I was diagnosed with anxiety I wanted to be ‘normal’, I wanted to feel and look ‘normal’. I would compare myself to others constantly. But the truth is, there is no normal and only recently at the age of 31 did I learn this! Growing up, all I longed for was a ‘normal name’. At the tender age of 10 I already wanted to be somebody else.
I longed to be called Emily, Sophie, Kirsty etc a name that I perceived to be ‘normal. Each week I wanted to be called a different name, so much so that I would tell my teachers, friends and family I had a new name and would even sign birthdays cards with my ‘new name’!
The point I am making is that we all want what we don’t have and seek trying to ‘fit in’ when we are born to stand out. Comparing myself to others triggered my anxiety and OCD behavior and lead me down the path of self destruction.
During a very low point in my life, I was recommended the book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, by Susan Geffers. This book on first glance was just another tool that wouldn’t work for me and a waste of time, but little did I know this very book set me free of a lot of pain and gave me the tools I needed to overcome obstacles in my life. The main thing that I took away from the book was the quote that read: “The fear will never go away, as long as you continue to grow”. For my entire life I was scared of fear, and wanted nothing more than to be rid of fear. The quote really resonated with me and I read this over several times (ironically for the fear of reading it wrong!). This quote gave me great comfort instantly, as I know knew that fear should not be feared, yet recognised as growth. In the next coming days I begain to look forward to ‘fear’ as I knew this was something no longer to be feared, yet reminded me I was growing as a person.
On far too many occasions, I would sit in my bedroom, with my real feelings listening to sad emotive music, and let the tears fall. I felt so alone and as though nobody understood. I created believebytaja.co.uk as platform where you can find all the tools you’ll need to get your life on a path that you will be happy with and a place for you to know, you are not alone!
Be brave, be bold and share your story…